Thursday, April 8, 2010

Let me iron out the details for you...

If there was one household chore that I can honestly say I despise, it is ironing. This is saying a lot because I am completely fine getting on my knees to clean my toilet or putting on rubber gloves and getting that grime underneath the refrigerator. Getting down and dirty is fine by me because you get results. You can see the fruit of your labors. Hell, you can even smell it. Sometimes it is a great compliment to just hear someone say “it smells clean in here”. I will take that. That is a clear cut result. Ironing though, it is a bit more difficult. Ironing is the little bitch of household chores. It is the equivilant of the one kid in your homeroom class who wouldn’t go along with the prank you would play on the substitute teacher. You wish he’d shut the fuck up and go away, but the fact of the matter is that you are stuck with him no matter what. You have to keep dealing with it over and over again and nothing seems to change.

Honsestly, I really hate ironing. No matter how often I do it or what method I may use, it seems as if it doesn’t make a lick of difference. I can never look at a shirt I ironed and say that it looks crisp. The first thing you might wonder is if I might be doing it wrong. Last time I checked it was as simple as knowing what setting to put it on, turning the thing on, let it get warm, then press it over your clothes to take out the wrinkles. I watched old reruns of “Bewitched” and other 60s shows when I was growing up, so I saw a lot of ironing being done with sexist stereotypes. I am fairly certain that I can’t be fucking up a simple task like ironing. Maybe I doing it wrong, but I find that hard to believe. It brings me to a simple conclusion. Ironing is just a waste of time.

I can say the far better method is to just toss the clothes in the dryer for a few minutes and let those wrinkles shake out. That was has actually worked a time or two for me. I would gladly do that now, but the dryer downstairs costs a $1.25. A wrinkle free shirt is not worth $1.25. Okay, so it would be worth a $1.25 if I could confirm that the wrinkle free shirt would lead to a blow job somehow, but that is a real stretch. The dryer involves so little effort, whereas the iron involves some physical labor and some first degree burns. One of those seems like a much better deal, doesn’t it? Sign me up as soon as I get an in-apartment dryer

I even contemplated pulling up some YouTube videos that instruct on how to iron. Yep. Those do exist. Go ahead. Search. You'll see that they are there. Someone actually thought it was important enough to video tape and put on the internet. Just like how there are videos explaining how to fold a shirt, make your bed, or snort cocaine. So clearly a lot of people have wasted their time. For some of them, their YouTube video is the highlight of their existence. I hope they enjoy dying alone with two dozen cats.

There are going to be plenty of messages I get from people asking me what I am doing wrong. I am also going to be told that I must not be doing it right. Others will insist that ironing always works. That last group of people will be called a bunch of fucking liars by me. There will be plenty of advice being thrown at me like I was Tessie Hutchinson (and yes that was a pop culture reference). Plenty of people are going to think I am a crazy nut job for denouncing a household chore. All I can say to that is “eat shit”. Seriously. Grab a spoon and dig right in. Then you can come iron my clothes for me since I don’t feel like doing it anymore. You can waste your time. I’ll be hitting some home runs on my ps3.

No you may not come over to show me how to do it. It isn’t because I don’t want to bother ironing again or because I want someone else to do it for me. More or less, I just don’t want you to show me how to iron because you might point out that I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. It would be a shame for me to be wrong. Then I would have to feel a little stupid. That is something I definitely don’t want. It would take all credibility away from me when I talk about how stupid our customers are at work.

For example, I received a message on our company email box yesterday from a woman who recently reset her password on her member online account. That happens. I understand. Now, before we go into her question, I need to not that she sent me this message from her online account with us. This woman made note that she just reset her password, but was unable to locate her login id. Let that shit sink in for a second. This woman logged in to tell me that she didn’t know her login id. How the hell do these people even know how to use computers? Somebody explain that to me, please. This particular person must not have any dignity because a person with any dignity does not ask such a question. Hell, I felt a little of mine slip away when I had to send this woman a response telling her that he login id was the name she put in before she entered her password.

So, please be kind regarding my thoughts on ironing. It may in fact be my personal weakness that puts me on the same level as the cretins and ingrates I deal with on a daily basis.

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