Wednesday, March 31, 2010

30 things before 30, my snarky response...

I just got done reading this list on another site that talks about things every man should have before age 30.

Hoo boy. It is probably a good thing that life isn’t gauged on this particular list. There are some items on that list that I will have trouble attending to in the next 19 months. Let that soak in for a moment. I will be 30 years old in 19 months. Holy shit time flies when your life is going nowhere. I think we all need to mock this list and how it relates to my silly existence.

#28-The beginning of a nest egg. This one is almost laughable. A nest egg? Really? I am fairly certain a fluctuating checking account doesn’t count. Hell, I am lucky to just have eggs in my refrigerator, none the less a nest egg. I know a lot of you can relate with me on this one. I will be royally screwed if I ever have some medical emergency or some surprise expenses.

#6-A tailored suit. I have two of these actually. Okay, that is true, but not exactly accurate. I have two suits that were once tailored to fit me. That was five years ago. Yep. They sure as hell don’t fit now. However, I think that I should get credit for this one. I feel completely fine getting this one on a technicality.

#16-A trusted barber or hair stylist. Does Cost Cutter’s count? It really shouldn’t be a problem that I’ll trust anyone with my hair. I don’t really require anything complicated to be done to it. Honestly though, if you do have trust issues regarding your hair, you probably have bigger problems.

#2- A tasty signature dish he can whip up for a date. This one would have been so killer had it not including the phrase “can whip up for a date”. I have plenty of signature dishes that I could whip up for myself, but they might not go so well on a date. Then again, it would gauge how much of a snooty prude a woman is. Who would take issue with bacon wrapped smokies? How about my regionally famous pizza bake? Well, that one is almost legitimate. Then again, the woman should be damn glad I am cooking for her in the first place. She’ll shut up and deal with it. Even if it is grilled cheese.

#26-Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line. Okay, now I get the sense that the woman who wrote the article is a frigid bitch.

#10-The ability to ask for directions. Okay, I can handle this one. I’ll just always ask my friend Google Maps. As long as I know I didn’t have to ask some stranger in a gas station, I am fine with it. Google doesn’t lie to me. Some stranger at a gas station might just want me to end up down a dark alley where I will be murdered and skull fucked.

#21-Sheets that don’t scratch. Wait? People have this problem? What are they using on their bed, paper towel? I think this one is a stretch if you ask me. I hope this woman wasn’t being literal here. I understand that some sheets are naturally softer than others, but I am hard pressed to think any will actually scratch a person. Mine don’t. However, I spent more on mine than I would have liked. I dunno. I think this was something this woman just liked to complain about when she was slutting around a series of dorms during college.

Well, a lot of this list is reasonably helpful, but I wouldn’t say it applies just to men specifically. Everyone should be able to ask for directions or have a favorite cookbook. Some items on this list imply some sexist assumptions. Men are just as capable as women at accomplishing this list. Honestly, I think this list needs some realistic amendments. Okay, fine. You talked me into it. Here are a few more things every man should have before they turn 30.

1. A favorite movie to quote. Yep. I stand by this one. Regardless of how bad some might think the movie is, you will stand by it by quoting it. Being able to ramble off lines from the film only justifies your commitment. That is what our significant others want, isn’t it? Commitment?

2. A cool pair of shades. First of all, it just looks good. Second of all, you never know when you’ll be dropped into a game of high stakes Texas Hold ‘Em.

3. Your own crew. By crew I am referring to a group of friends. It could consist of anyone, really. It doesn’t even have to be all guys. However, it is good to have your crew because it keeps you connected with the people who help define who you are. You won’t lose touch of yourself. It is also just awesome to have a group of friends to get into trouble with on a boring Saturday night.

4. A baseball glove. Even if you don’t like baseball, you are going to be asked to go to a Major League ball game. You might at one point be asked to play in a softball league. Not having a glove is not a good excuse. In fact, it is a terrible excuse and you should be ashamed of yourself if you don’t have one.

5. A grill. Grilled food just tastes better.

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