I project a review of "Inception"

“What's the most resilient parasite? An Idea. A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules.” – Cobb (Leonardo DeCaprio) in Inception.

Take that phrase in and let it absorb into your mind for a moment.  Are those not the most insightful words you have read all day?   Not many words spoken have ever captured a concept more accurately.  Ideas are exactly as Mr. DeCaprio’s character described.  Good ideas.  Bad ideas.  It doesn’t matter.  An idea could carry the power to shape the course of events for anything from a single soul to an entire race.  However, for these ideas to have any effect on the world, they need to be perceived by someone.  The perception of ideas is what creates our reality.   This is exactly the point that director Christopher Nolan makes with his movie, Inception.

Anybody who has followed me on Facebook or Twitter already knows that I was gushing praise about Inception within moments of the end credits rolling.  The film is a masterpiece and a mind-fuck of epic proportions.  It is a rare example of a movie that makes a point but demonstrates it by having an effect on the viewer.  There is no secret that I loved it and will suggest it to just about everyone.  I say just about everyone because I know a handful of people who probably couldn’t mentally comprehend the near complex nature of the story.

And yes, this is me taking shots at “dumb” people.   More specifically, by “dumb” people,  I mean those who have the inability to pay attention enough to listen to what the characters are telling you.  Christopher Nolan wrote the screenplay to Inception and included dialogue that not only explains in detail what is about to happen, but it occasionally acknowledges the questions that the audience may be asking.

For those of you who don’t have a clue what Inception is about, let me give you a brief summary.   DeCaprio plays Cobb, a master of corporate espionage, who works alongside his partner, Arthur (Joseph Gordon Levitt), in the business of stealing ideas on a freelance basis.  The catch is that they use a special technology to steal ideas from dreams.  To make a long story short, a man named Saito (Ken Watanabe) hires them to do the exact opposite in the dreams of his competitor, Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy).  When I say do the exact opposite, I am referring to the planting of an idea, which would be described as the term “inception”.  The problem with the process of inception is that it has never been done before due to the fact that the human mind can spot foreign idea like it were a sore thumb.  Needless to say, Cobb and his crew have some work ahead of them.

That’s the basic concept of the film and really all you need to know.  However, I should tell you that Ellen Page plays Ariadne, an architecture student, who is recruited to mentally create a set of landscapes and environments for Cobb’s team to use in their subconscious.  She plays a pivotal role because she is the one that asks all the questions we are asking.  She also gets really nosey into Cobb’s past which is great because his baggage is the heart of this story.  Also working with this rag tag crew are a forgery expert named Eames (Tom Hardy) and a chemist named Yusuf (Dileep Rao).  Their unique sets of skills are used brilliantly with the concept of dream invasion. 

Inception as a whole is a little science fiction mixed with a heist film, a thriller, and a psychological character piece.  The story is essentially told in a linear fashion, but with multiple layers that are easy to keep track of if you are paying attention before the mission starts.  This is helpful to those who spiraled into confusion when viewing Nolan’s first big film, Memento.  It was also helpful that the film immediately acknowledged skepticism that audiences might have about a movie about dreams.  The first thought that came to mind when I learned about Inception’s plot was that we’d all just be fooled by some dream within a dream nonsense.  Well, in the first ten minutes of the film, this idea is addressed directly and we immediately come to an understanding that it won’t be used as a cheap method of plot resolution.

What more is there to say?  Lots actually, but I honestly don’t have the time or patience to write it all here.  You also don’t have that much time to read.  Instead, let me share with you a few bullet points of why I loved this movie.

·         Good use of special effects.  Sure there is plenty of CGI utilized in Inception, but it is not as blatantly obvious or over the top like Avatar was.  Despite the movie being mostly set in dreams, there is still a level of realism to everything, just as if you were experiencing a dream first hand.   That scene from the trailers with Paris folding over itself is one for the ages. 

·         Joseph Gordon-Levitt may become a bona fide leading man after this.  He has deserved it since great work in Brick, The Lookout, and 500 Days of Summer. 

·         When the Academy Awards nominations come out, there will be a nomination for Marion Cotillard. She already has one under her belt, but her performance here could put another on the mantle.  (Not sure if she would be a supporting actress or the leading lady)  Cotillard plays Mal, the primary antagonist.  For the most part she appears as Cobb’s subconscious projection of his wife.  Essentially, her character tends to show up while Cobb is working and makes things get messy.  Cotillard does an amazing job balancing a frail helplessness with pure menace. 

·         There is a fight scene in the middle of the movie that takes place in a hotel hallway.  When you see the film, you’ll know which scene I refer to.  This scene is a game changer for the way imagination comes to life on screen.  It will likely make people stop thinking about how innovative the bullet dodging was in The Matrix.

In conclusion, I must simply say that Inception will blow your mind wide open.  The movie does what its characters seek out to do.  It implants an idea in your head and gets you thinking.  Ultimately, this is the goal of most filmmakers and one that is rarely ever accomplished by them.  You will leave the theater with all sorts of thoughts rolling around your head.  You’ll have questions.  You’ll create answers for yourself.  You’ll talk about the movie with friends.  Before you know it you’ll have theories you are sharing or you’ll be online blogging away about it.  Then you’ll suggest the movie to friends just so you can talk to them about their thoughts and feelings.  Basically, a whole lot of thinking will come from Inception.  That is a lot to chew on.  All because of one simple little idea.

When the smoke clears....

I don’t smoke.  I probably never will smoke.  I am not even a drinker.  However, despite not engaging in either of those vices, I have found myself out and about at local bars and restaurants with my friends.  I go there to be social, to have a good time, and to just get out of the house.  Regardless of the volume of fun to be had there was always one common thing with all my experiences out on the town.  At some point in the evening or the next morning I would have a terrible headache.

                I know what you are going to say.  Nick Wallander is an ass clown liar and I knew it all along!  No, he is not.  So, you can relax as I assure you that these headaches were not due to a hangover.   That would be impossible since I don’t drink, but in some ways it would be better to just have a hangover headache as opposed to the truth.  I was having second hand smoke headaches.  Hours of inhaling cancerous fumes will do that to you.  If the headaches alone weren’t annoying enough there was always the soot colored snot that got blown into the tissues.  On top of that are the perfectly good contacts abused by the smoke as well.  The smoke in the bars was nothing but trouble.  At least it was for the non-smokers.  Those who did smoke were blind to these instances due to their nicotine addiction.  They are the biased experts on the issue because they are, you know, addicted to a powerful drug.

                Go ahead.  Yell at me for not knowing what I am talking about.  Tell me that smoking isn’t addictive and that nicotine is not a powerful drug.  Tell me that second hand smoke is just a myth.  Tell me that I should just stay at home if I don’t want to get some smoke blown in my face.  Well, okay.  Don’t tell me that because I will just tell you that you are starting to get rude.  I would follow it up with a “Why don’t you stay the fuck home and smoke your cancer sticks?”. 

                If you haven’t figured out yet, I am going into an opinionative rant about the newly instilled Wisconsin smoking ban for bars, eateries, and places of business.  A lot of things have been said about the new law.  Both sides of the issue are throwing out comments about their rights being violated one way or another.  In reality, both sides have valid points.  There is no doubt about that.  However, one thing can’t be argued.  This law is better for the health of the general public.  People who smoke can still smoke, but they won’t be up in other people’s business when doing so.

                Now I know what a lot of people argue at this point in the discussion.  The smokers are going to suggest that the non-smokers just go to establishments that have already decided to ban smoking.  Well, isn’t that a selfish statement?  Why the hell can’t you just step outside for a couple minutes?  Wouldn’t that be easier on everyone?  Let’s also not forget about the people who work at these bars and eateries that often don’t have a choice where they work, so they have to endure pillars of cancer gas every night.  What about them?  Should they just not work?  It isn’t as simple as telling the non-smokers to move along.

                Argument point number two is about the bar owners’ private property rights being taken away.  Many people believe that the state shouldn’t get to make that call since people have the choice to go to bars.  People walk in on their own free will into private property.  They should accept what the environment is and the owners should have full discretion if you ask some people.  Hmmm.  This is an interesting point.  I see what they are saying, but I can offer a great retort to that.  These people are essentially saying that being on private property means that the laws of the public should be exempt.  This becomes a bigger issue than it needs to be because part of the opposition is arguing for a behavior/drug that they are addicted to.  They don’t realize that there are plenty of existing regulations that they already adhere to that bar owners could argue are an infringement to their private property rights.   The thing is that people don’t complain because it doesn’t affect their addiction.

                Think about this.  If there weren’t state sanctions on health rules on private properties, the people working in the restaurants wouldn’t even need to refrigerate their food.  Would you like to eat spoiled meat on your hamburger?  Or how about this?  Let’s say screw it to the state’s interference with private businesses and let that bartender mix a drink after left the bathroom without washing their piss covered hand. That would be splendid, wouldn’t it?  Mmm.  Who doesn’t like a tangy drink?  Better yet, let’s forget all consideration for the health of patrons and just let the fry cook send out a shit burger!  It is okay though.  It is their right to do that.  If you didn’t want a shit burger you could go to another place to eat.

                See what I did there?  It makes more sense when you compare the new smoking ban to existing regulation.  It isn’t so bad when you think about it.  We already abide by standards that many could complain are restrictions on individual rights.  The point is that we don’t complain because there is a general understanding that things are for the good of everybody.  In due time, the state of Wisconsin will adjust to the new smoking ban.  The alcoholics will still frequent their corner bars because they need their booze more than a smoke filled room.  The chain smokers will find refuge in the smoking areas outside and may even learn to like the social scene outside of bars.  It will take a little time, but in the end, the state wide smoking ban is good.

                It will be awesome when I don’t have to worry about the smell of smoke on my clothes in the morning.  I won’t have to worry about ruining my contacts or blowing smoke snot from my nose.  I will sleep better without a headache.  However, I may still have to worry about the slight chance of syphilis.      

Toy Story 3: My new favorite movie...

It would appear that movies made in 3D are no longer just a fad.  With the release of “Avatar”, both Hollywood and movie-goers started to understand that the technology really can enhance a movie (and make a ton of money).  I initially was skeptical of the 3D concept.  The first theatrical movie I had ever seen in that particular medium was “My Bloody Valentine 3D”.  The movie was a steaming pile of dung, but I couldn’t help but be amused by the 3D aspect of it all.  Since then I had seen a few more movies in 3D.  The idea grew on me and I couldn’t help but get engrossed in the environment of the stories I watched unfold.  3D is cool in its own right and then I saw a movie in 3D at the IMAX.  Talk about mind blowing.  If there is an ideal way to see a movie in 3D, it is at the IMAX.  The technology seems to get better with each movie.  I am astounded by this.  The worlds on screen seem to have legitimate dimensions and depth.  It is almost as if you are right there with the characters.  When I was a kid, I could never have dreamed that movies would be displayed this way.

I no longer scoff at a movie being released in 3D (except “Step Up 3D” which is a mistake, Hollywood).  I now welcome the concept of 3D entertainment and can’t wait to see what comes to the screen next.  However, for as much as I now love 3D movies, there is one complaint I must make.  Despite how cool 3D movies are, they tend to get a little blurry when there are tears in your eyes.

This weekend I was treated to the opportunity to see “Toy Story 3” at the IMAX in 3D.  I had anticipated this movie for months.  I was actually content with the prospect of seeing the film in 3D here in Green Bay.  However, when the chance to see the movie in both 3D and at the IMAX came about, I jumped to it like a frog jumping on whatever it is frogs jump on these days.  Anyone with a soul has waited 11 years for another “Toy Story” and this one was in 3D.  Freaking awesome.  The expectations were high and the 3D enhancement of the film was only going to make it better. 

Let’s take a moment to take this all into consideration.  Screw 3D.  It didn’t need to be there for me when seeing “Toy Story 3”.  When I gloss over my feelings about the film I realize that the 3D aspect of it had very little to do with how much I enjoyed it.   There were so many other elements that contributed to the movie being raised to my personal pedestal of one of the best movies I have ever seen.  In fact, I might even feel like it is the best of the best, but that will need some time to digest in the back of my mind.  Some of you are immediately going to think I am some 28 year old loon who loves children’s movies.  Well, those of you can go fuck yourselves because you don’t have hearts.

The “Toy Story” movies, or less specifically, the PIXAR movies, are not just children’s movies.  They have been much more.  They are works of cinematic art.  They are characters and emotions brought to life by computer rendered animation, spectacular voice-overs, and the best writing in Hollywood.  After spending 100 minutes watching “Toy Story 3” I came to the realization that PIXAR employees the most creative minds in the movie business.  They have not made one bad movie.  Go ahead.  Take a minute to think of one.  Still thinking?  Well, you’ll be doing that until sometime in the distant future when PIXAR shows that even they are human.  My point is that they are batting 1.000 and “Toy Story 3” was the proverbial grand slam.

How do I sum up my feelings specifically about “Toy Story 3”?  That is a good question.  First of all, as I sat in that theater, I confirmed my notion that the movie was not just some kids’ flick.  Majority of the audience consisted of adults that were not accompanied by children.  That included myself, Jason, Steve, and Ann (well, technically she is “with child”, but that doesn’t count).  The neat thing about this crowd of adults was the sense of enthusiasm that seemed to emanate from every seat.  You could just see how eager people were for the movie to start.  Most of the crowd was in their 20s which means that they were kids or teenagers when the first “Toy Story” came out.  We’ve all been through, or in some cases still are going through, the central concept of the movie which is “growing up”.  In a way, many of us were drawn to the film to recapture a bit of our childhoods that we never wanted to let go.  The movie brings you back to it and then kicks you in the stomach when you realize just how much you miss those days.

Universally speaking, the PIXAR films work on two levels.  They are cute and lively enough to keep the kids engaged, but are also written intelligently enough with wit, humor, and themes to get the grown-ups enjoying the movies as well.  It is safe to say that PIXAR has mastered its approach.  “Toy Story 3” is no exception from this pre-established rule.  In fact, it brings it to a whole new level.  The movie works those two approaches and then melds them so that the adults and kids are experiencing the same emotions.  There was a little boy sitting a row behind me that was laughing just hysterically when hijinks went down on the screen.  Any other movie and I might have been annoyed.  However, that was not the case here because I was wondering how many people might be getting annoyed by my laughing.  It wasn’t just laughing at some funny moments, but laughter of utter enjoyment that encompassed the theater.

I’m not going to go too much into the plot.  That may very well diminish some of the experience that comes with “Toy Story 3”.  In a nutshell though, I can tell you that the story revolves around Woody (Tom Hanks) and his band of toy friends being relocated to a day care center.  They get relocated to the day care because of a mix-up that occurs when their owner, Andy, is packing for college.  He is all grown up now and unfortunately doesn’t play with the toys like he did when he was just a boy.  The story plays out as the toys attempt to get back to Andy before he leaves for college.  I would love to go into further snippets of the plot, but it is one that you really need to experience for yourself.  It is all the more powerful if you view it without too much prior knowledge.  That way you can ride the emotional rollercoaster like the rest of us did.

I can tell you this.   You are probably going to cry.  Yes, even you, Mr. Manly Man.  If I were a betting man (I am) I would say that while the kids were wiping smiles from their faces, the adults were wiping tears from their eyes.  There are several powerful and poignant moments in this film.  I can think of three of them particularly.  What PIXAR does with a gaggle of animated toys is a feat that even the best directors have a hard time doing with live actors.  The movie makes you feel, even when you don’t want to.  Anyone who has ever lived through that period of time between childhood and adulthood is going to relate to what Andy and the toys are going through.

Yes, I am admitting to getting emotional.  I am not ashamed of it… well, I am not ashamed of it now.  I was glad to have those huge 3D glasses on my face while at the theater.   I am sure most of the men in that theater were glad for them as well.  This entire notion alone is enough for me to suggest the movie.

“Toy Story 3” was so much more than a tear joker though.  There are so many other aspects of the film that make it a cinematic juggernaut.  I’ll try to hit on a few of them before I wrap things up here.  If I don’t go over them I wouldn’t be doing the filmmakers any justice for what they accomplished.

It would be a crime for me to not immediately make note of how funny “Toy Story 3” is at times.  The kids are going to laugh along with the adults in the silly and physical moments, as they should.  However, the PIXAR award winning formula calls for some jokes that go over the kids’ heads.  They accomplish this like we have come to expect from their movies.  The most notable was the emergence of the Ken doll (voiced by Michael Keaton).  Ken is portrayed as a flamboyant fashionado who has a love at first sight moment upon meeting Barbie for the first time ever.  Veiled in Ken’s comedic behavior is the nearly obvious notion that he isn’t quite into women like you would expect him to be. 

I also would like to make note of my favorite addition to the characters in the “Toy Story” mythos.  When the toys get to the day care they are introduced to a whole slew of other play things.  One that stands out is named Big Baby.  He is what he sounds like, which is a baby doll.  More specifically he is one of those dolls that has the eyes that shut when in the laying down position.  However, this particular doll is weathered, dirty, marked up with crayons, and has a broken eye.  It is a hideous abomination, but is just a brilliant part of the movie.  It stands out because we’ve all seen that one toy that a kid hangs on to that is almost too disgustingly dirty and worn down to be true.  Big Baby has seen some hard times and shows it in the creepiest ways (yes, that is a tear drop tattoo under its broken eye).  You’ll enjoy the creepiness.

The most important performance in the film comes from Tom Hanks voicing Woody.  If there ever was a voice performance that should get consideration for an Oscar nomination, Hanks’ work in “Toy Story 3” is it.  Anybody who says that voiceover work isn’t real acting, hasn’t seen this movie.  He does not phone in his performance like other actors may have in animated sequels.  Tom Hanks brings the real deal and treats the role of Woody like any other role he has performed.  He puts forth a great balance of bumbling humor and genuine love in all of the lines he reads.  Woody is not a great character if he isn’t played by Tom Hanks.  The “Toy Story” movies are not great without Tom Hanks. 

Before I wrap things up, I need elaborate more on the 3D aspect of “Toy Story 3”.  I didn’t really hate it.  It was actually quite enjoyable.  Some movies add the 3D feature as a gimmick.  Those movies like to have things lunge out at the viewer or have aspects of the environment in the foreground obnoxiously.  That is not the case with “Toy Story 3”.  There are no flies or magic tree seeds to swat out of the way like in “Avatar”.  3D in this masterpiece is used to enhance the experience and give the movie some depth and dimension.  It looks wonderful and lifelike.  In fact, very few movies have ever looked better.  Who knows how great it would have looked if there weren’t all those pesky tears in my eyes.

....and More.

Wouldn’t it be really creepy and strange if someone decided that they wanted to run their own grocery store out of a small warehouse?  Well, let’s say that it isn’t a small warehouse, but a large garage that happened to be attached to someone’s home.  That would make it officially strange, right?  That would have to be something a person would make up for a movie about a road trip through the South, right?  Wrong.  That shit exists just down the road from me.  I didn’t believe it until I saw it either.

                I first heard about Traci’s groceries and more a couple years back when Jarmos and I were holding a rummage sale at the duplex we rented on the west side of Green Bay.  The snaggle-toothed old woman from across the street had come over to browse through the DVDs I was selling.   She had come to the one we had the previous summer and bought up several box sets of TV shows I was never going to watch again.  Apparently her emotionally abusive husband didn’t get out much and the only thing that kept him from beating the shit out of her was if she had some DVDs to watch.  Okay, so she didn’t say he would beat her, but she implied he was a shut-in that hated the outside world.  I just assumed he slapped her around if she didn’t bring him a TV dinner at just the right temperature.  Also, his sanity was in question because he was apparently going to be giddy about the Mighty Ducks Trilogy his wife just bought from Jason.

                Any way, I make the mistake of saying more than a few words to the old lady.  She then thought we were friends or something.  I got extremely nervous and was expecting her to invite us over for dinner.  Maybe we could meet her 30 year old son who still lived at home and drove a shuttle van for the casino.  Yep.  I learned that much and still remember it.  I am thrilled that some of my precious brain power was wasted on that nonsense.  During the woman’s rambling, she became excited to ask me if I ever checked out the grocery stand over by Sears.  I had not seen such a stand nor did I have any idea where it would be since there was not a grocery stand in sight.  This was cleared up for me when the lady told me that it was in a grey garage across the street from the Sears on Military Ave.  Now, I probably wouldn’t notice it unless I was there on the first and third Saturdays of the month.  That was when Traci was out there selling the goods.

                I honestly didn’t care about this new information.  However, I had to listen to it if I ever wanted to sell those Scully and Mulder action figurines that were collecting dust on my desk for years.  Traci apparently got her hands on some grade A shit and sold it for less than grocery stores.  I made the mistake of questioning her legitimacy.  The old bag from across the street seemed to be offended by my skepticism.  Now, I wasn’t skeptical of the woman’s prices.  I was certain that they were very low.  I was wondering how legit the operation was.  It was very likely that a grocery truck was getting hijacked weekly by some crazed bitch who wanted to sell groceries out of her garage (but only twice a month on alternating Saturdays).   I smiled and sold those DVDs and action figures to the toothless wonder and then went about my business.

                I forgot about it until one day during my move from the duplex to my new apartment where I still reside.  I don’t remember who I was with, but I do recall driving by that garage on a Saturday when it was open.  Good lord, that crazy bitch across the street wasn’t making shit up.  There really was a grocery store run out of some strange woman’s garage.  Such a golden opportunity for mockery could not go to waste.  Jason and I immediately knew what needed to be done with confirmation that this place existed.  We had to get Amy in that store.  She would be the one to confirm just how shady it was.

                Just under a year later the crew and I were strolling about Green Bay waiting for Steve to get off of work on a Saturday afternoon.  It just so happened that Amy was in town and we suddenly had some free time on our hands.  Light bulbs turned on above our heads as Jason and I remembered that we wanted to get a classic “hmmm” from Amy about the mythical grocery story run out of a garage.  So, we went there.

                The garage doors were not open as they were the first time I had seen the place.  We had to go in the clear glass door on the side.  The glass door made it seem almost legit.  So did the stickers that said they accepted credit cards and food stamps.  How the hell does someone get the state to allow them to redeem food stamps from their garage?  That can’t be legal, can it?  It is no wonder why people were ripping off the state for day care funds.  There clearly are a lot of people working in Madison that half ass their jobs if something like food stamps can be redeemed out of someone’s garage.  Regardless, I was impressed that there were methods other than cash at Traci’s Groceries and More.  Hell, I was surprised she took cash and wasn’t about the bartering of goods and services.  I figured bartering was were the “More” came from in the name of the store.  

                Entering the store was like nothing I had ever seen.  A couple of tables were set up near the door as a check out counter.  There were boxes lined up behind it and a couple monitors displaying the security feed.  Yep, the woman was concerned that people were shadier than the idea of selling groceries out of a garage.  The merchandise itself was set on in narrow aisles on wire framed shelves.  There were also a few of those plastic framed shelves on the walls, just like the ones you would expect in a garage.  The back wall of the store actually had a couple coolers and a freezer.  To be honest, it didn’t feel like a garage.  It also didn’t feel like a store.  If you were to describe to me what a food storage area would look like in a nuclear bunker, I would propose this store was the perfect design for such a place.

                There were two prices for every item.  One for cash.  The other for credit.  Traci didn’t accept checks.  She wasn’t about to be trusting anybody like that.  Personally, I wasn’t about to be trusting her either.  I checked the expiration dates on everything I looked at in hopes of proving my theory that she was a dumpster diver that sold what she found in the garbage.  Nope.  It all appeared to be legit and still good.  The main reason I check was because I needed to purchase something.  There is no way you can walk into someone’s food bunker and not purchase something.  She was already watching us like a hawk on her video monitors.  If we walked out empty handed, we would have looked like we were thieving something from the crazy bitch.

                I am not just saying she was a crazy bitch because she sold groceries out of a garage.  I am saying this because she looked bat shit crazy.  If you have ever imagined a chain smoking redneck woman from the 80s, you have seen Traci.  To avoid being on an episode of COPS, I made sure to buy as all those large freezie pops.  I paid in cash, which afforded me the opportunity to see Traci did for change out of a small money pouch she had slung over her shoulder.  No, there was not a cash box or a cash register in her store.  I can only assume that she kept the money close and on her at all times just in case someone ever came in to rob her store.  Really shouldn’t make a difference because a robber would get the money either way, but to a bat shit crazy person it makes sense to not have a register that someone could ask be emptied.

                What also surprised me a bit was there was no scanner or price charts anywhere at the check-out station.  Traci didn’t have price tags on the food either.  How in the fuck she remembered the price of every single item is beyond me.  If she really did have the correct prices memorized couldn’t be confirmed either because I wasn’t even paying attention to whether or not I paid her the correct amount.  There was too much to process.  I needed to take in every detail to tell Steve later that afternoon.  Needless to say, Steve was a bit upset that he didn’t get to come with us to see the spectacle that was Traci’s Groceries and More.

                That was until this past Saturday when Steve and I met up for lunch.  We had a little extra time after we engulfed our Taco Bell quesadillas, so Steve proposed that we go check out the infamous grocery store in a garage.  So, we did just that.  When we drove across the street I became relieved when there was a parking spot open for us.  That was surprising on a nice spring afternoon when you’d expect all retail outlets to be bustling with activity.  I am not sure Steve really believed it was a store until we walked inside.  Steve was immediate drawn to the rack of movies.  He noted the two year old movies that Traci was trying to pass off as new releases.  I am not sure if he noticed the VHS tapes she was trying to sell.  If I had to guess, I would say that Traci was ten years behind the rest of us.  Steve bought a jar of peanuts and I bought some Keebler cookies. We got the hell out of there as fast as we could because we could feel Traci watching us like we were the shady ones in that garage.

                I am fairly certain I do not have a need to ever go back in that store/garage again.  Unless of course I can get a clear idea what the “More” refers to.

No ma'am I can't time travel to adjust your claim....

My last call of the day at work was one of those that makes you want to rip your hair out or slam your head into a car door.  It kept me there ten minutes past my shift.  It wasn't because I was dealing with a difficult caller.  Well, she wasn't difficult in the sense that she wasn't irate or angry, but she was difficult in the intelligence department.  This one caller asked for something that borders on the impossible unless you have a quantum displacement device.  That's right, I had a woman asking me to essentially alter space and time on her behalf.

Let me give you some background.  When this woman, we'll call her The Crazer, signed up for our company's services, she was given the impression that a certain preventive procedure was covered in full.  There is no way of knowing if someone told her the wrong information or if she just heard what she wanted.  Chances are that it was the later of the two choices, but it is a moot point once you get the big picture.  Well, long before she ever went into get such a procedure, she was informed of the exact and more correct coverage for the service.  On top of that, she still hasn't gotten such a service.  She is caught up on what she interpreted a year ago rather than the correct benefits are.

Now, when you put things into the present perspective, the woman doesn't have anything to complain about.  She was given the correct information before she ever went in for the service.  Since she never had it done and was given the right benefits, she is essentially held to the policy as it is written.  It is pretty cut and dry for anyone with a brain.   Had she went and had the procedure before being corrected, we could go back and review was she was told originally and possibly reconsider and pay the claim.  However, she never went.  She now knows how it goes.

That logic didn't sit well with The Crazer.  She seemed to be stuck on a trivial point from when she was sold the plan.  The fact of the matter is that we can't change her plan or coverage.  That's just impossible....unless we were to travel back in time to when the policy was created.  She was one of those people that once you clearly explain the answer to her question, she changes what she was asking about.  Naturally when I tell her that we can't change her benefits, she decides that she wanted clarification between the coverage for two separate, but related procedures.  Well, when I clearly stated the difference between them, she promptly told me she already knew that and had a different concern.  This went in circles because whatever she questioned had a logical answer, so she had to cycle to another concern.  It was my own living paradox of insurance hell.  I was stuck in a loop that I was probably not getting out of until it was well past my shift.  Ugh.


The crazer didn't understand the basic element of theorhetical physics that declares that whatever happened, happened.  She was given the correct information and never had a procedure done on false assumptions.  She never had it done period.  Since nothing had happened, nothing could be fixed.  That seemed to be some kind of mind blowing concept for her.  The Crazer's brain could only go to ten, but somehow the basic logic I presented her seemed to crank it up to eleven.  Apparently a speaker blew out on her.  Bitch just didn't get it.


She wasn't quite clear where and when she wanted the problem fixed.  At times I thought she wanted me to Quantum Leap my ass back a year to correct some jackass in the sales department.  It was as if she believed that was a possible feat.  I hope that she realizes that sports betting is a higher priority on my list compared to her petty issues should I ever travel back in time.  As the conversation continued, I realized it wasn't as simple as a blast to the past.  Apparently, this woman expected me to go into the future to have her claim adjusted.   A claim that had not yet even been submitted because she never had the damn colonoscopy done.  Somehow she wanted to appeal something that hadn't happened yet.  Even if it were possible to go to the future, it would have done nothing for her today.  But hey, maybe she would have gotten that appeal is quicker than anyone had before.  She could maybe brag about that.


I had expected to have Doc Brown run into my cube to tell me to stop talking to this woman before I unraveled reality.  That did not happen.  Instead my patience was unraveled.   

My LOST series retrospective 1 of 7: How it hooked me

This week’s blogs are not for all of you people.  That is because my subject matter will be so focused that it will be seven consecutive nights about the same thing.  It won’t make a lick of sense to most of you, whereas others will know exactly what I am talking about.   Of course I am referring to my favorite television series of all-time, LOST.

The X-files was my previous favorite television series.  I never thought that it would be replaced.  At least not until I was real old and liked a silly old person show like Matlock.  Low and behold, the year 2004 came about and dropped a special gem onto my television set.  I remember watching the first episode in my dorm room.  Honestly, it was a complete accident that I ever bothered to turn it on.  For whatever reason, I had ABC on that night.  I don’t even know what else was showing.  I had read bits and pieces about the show on various websites but didn’t give it much thought.   It sounded like a dramatic Gilligan’s Island to me.  It was nothing that hadn’t been tried before (oh how I was wrong on that point). 

 

So there it was, on my television, by accident.  I nearly turned it off when it came on, but then I recalled some of the advertisements that had previously come up.  It surprised me that I was watching the pilot episode because I assumed it was halfway through its first season by that point.  Since I realized that I was watching the very first episode, I decided to keep it on.  My first thought was that I recognized that one guy from some other show.  Lucky for me, there was the IMDB on my computer to give me a hand.  As it would appear, it was the guy who played the bearded older brother on Party of Five.  Hmmm.  I wasn’t so sure about this.  He woke up in the jungle and ran around in front of a plane engine that blew up behind him.  There was some pregnant woman and that guy who looked like a hobbit.  There was a lot going on, but I understood the main premise.  They crashed on a deserted island and they were royally fucked.

After the chaos slowed down we caught up with the heroic doctor guy played by Matthew Fox.  He was all banged up and bleeding a bit from some damage.  I was starting to lose interest when I fell in love at first sight.

There she was.  Kate Austin.  Who was played by some no name Canadian actress who went by Evangeline Lily.  Now that is something I could tune into every week.  However, I am not a teenage girl, so I don’t watch television shows or movies just because one of the stars is hot.  Kate, however, wasn’t hot as much as she was cute.  The girl next door type.  I could deal with that.  There needed to be something to hook me so that this show could become something I could watch every week.  Something.  Anything.  Could something just happen for me already!

Then the questions started to be raised.  What is with the handcuffs?  Why is the hobbit so squirrely?  Why is that long haired hick so racist?  OMG, can we trust an Iraqi?  That Asian guy probably beats his wife!  What is with the creepy old man?  These questions seemingly warmed me up for the first official “What the Fuck” moment I would have watching LOST.  

There was something in the jungle.  It appeared to be big and capable of causing some trees to be rustled at their tops.  Even better is that it sounded like something big.  A creature of sorts.  Possibly a dinosaur?  No?  Really?  I dunno.   Some people immediately thought it sounded like an elephant.  Psh. As if, internet geeks.  The point is that it was the first moment where I realized that the island wasn’t just an island in the Pacific.  It was some kind of Lost World style island with some shenanigans from deep within.  I could follow that.  

Eventually we had some characters run into the jungle to find the plane.  We learned the plane mysteriously lost contact with the mainland.  Then we learned that the Hobbit was a drug addict.  This was getting interesting.  These people are a real fucked up bunch of people.  At this point I was immediately theorizing that there had to be something involving aliens.  That plane ripped right open in the flashbacks.  What the hell does that?  A UFO, that’s what.  I needed a moment to catch my breath a bit and HOLD ON!   WOW.  Okay, I’m hooked.

 

Maybe I was almost hooked.  Getting hooked didn’t happen until a mother fucking polar bear came running through the jungle.  Where the hell did a polar bear come from?  Even more of a question was about where the redneck got his gun from?   He probably shouldn’t have that.  He was bound to take a shot at the Iraqi soldier.   It was in the second half of the pilot episode where Kate became even hotter because she was the one who was on the plane in handcuffs.  A bad girl next door?  Okay.  That sealed the deal.  The icing on the cake was the mysterious transmission in French that had been sounding off on a distress alert for about 16 years.  That is some messed up shit right there. 

And that, my friends, is what got me hooked on LOST with the first episode.  At that point it was just interesting.  I had no idea that it was going to become my favorite show.  What they did in the six years to follow was beyond my wildest dreams for a television show.  With each episode I would become more intrigued about the past of the characters and the mysteries of that island.  Eventually Jack would see his dead father.  John Locke would find a hatch in the middle of the jungle.  A creepy man known as one of The Others would abduct Claire.  Voices would whisper in the jungle.  A pirate ship would be found in the middle of the island.  The list goes on for mysteries established in the first season of the show.   The most intriguing of which would be the various moments where we saw the castaways’ lives interact long before they ever got to that island.  Little did we know at the time that this was perhaps the most important fact of them all.

There had never been a show quite like it.  It was a rarity at the time because of its serial nature.  You needed to catch every week to understand what was going on.  There were no stand alone episodes.  It was one big story, like a series of books.  This kind of thing usually didn’t work with the short attention span of America.  However, it did work.  Good writing, good acting, and a great story-telling method established brilliant characterization amidst a superb mystery.  LOST revolutionized the storytelling method known as the “flashback”.  I will be talking about that concept tomorrow night.

As for the rest of the week, expect some of the following ideas to come from me:

My list of favorite episodes

The episode that propelled LOST to the next level

My favorite characters

LOST’s biggest contributions to television

Science Fiction goes main stream

My thoughts re-watching earlier episodes with the knowledge of where everything is at now

My flash sideways story

The list might get bigger or smaller depending on how much time I have.   I am sure my fellow LOST fans will appreciate what I have to say.  If you aren’t a LOST fan and are still reading this, well, you wasted your time.   Time for sleep.  I have a busy week ahead of me.

The greatest thing I ever put in my mouth....

Have you ever eaten something that transcended the experience of eating?  I am talking about a delicious treat that is more than just nourishment or a means to pass the time.   More specifically, I am referring to food that gives you a true and pure emotionally response.  The kind of feeling that lifts your spirits and has the capacity to make your day better.  In essence, I am referring to eating something that might even make your pants tingle.  I had such a treat on Tuesday evening.

It was a cannoli.  Not just any cannoli, but a chocolate chip cannoli from Savvy’s Italian Cuisine down the street from my apartment.  Oh, many of you are wondering what the hell a cannoli is.  I know what you are thinking.  It totally does sound like some form of innuendo for a devious sex act.  In fact, I’d like to invent a maneuver just to name it cannoli.  However, it is something far better than some sex move involving the dipping of testicles is something or another.  Cannolis are Sicilian desserts consisting of a fried pastry shell wrapped around a creamy filing made from a sweet cheese.  Cannoli is actually the plural version of the word cannolo, which means I have been an uneducated prick and have been using the word incorrectly for days now.  It should be noted right now that the cannolo does loosely relate to filthy innuendo because the English translation of the word means “little tube”.    Size doesn’t matter with these things though.  It is all about what is on the inside.

In the case of the one I had Tuesday night, there were some chocolate chips on the inside.  Even better was that the whole pastry tube was covered in a chocolate shell.  The first bite surged a warm feeling through my soul.  I couldn’t recall having anything like it.  Not even the Donut Cheeseburger at Fat Sandwich Company made me feel like that cannolo did.  It was as if that one dessert managed to give my stomach and taste buds a proverbial hand job.  You can’t help but smile a little when that happens.  You enjoy it so damn much that you feel like you may be making a lewd spectacle of yourself.  Gosh, I hope that little girl a couple booths away didn’t watch me eat that thing.  She might have nightmares.

While I was rambling on about my foodgasm, I decided to check the foremost authority on innuendo and slang regarding the word “cannoli”.  As it turns out, I was a little wrong about the word being strictly food related.  There does happen to be a nasty alternative use for the word.  And let me say first that I am impressed with the versatility of this word.  Who would have thought it could accomplish so much more than just being a dessert.  See for yourself by reading the definition of “cannoli” as told by the good people over at Urbandictionary.com.

A sexual maneuver where a male has sex with a female on top of his comforter, and just when he is about to cum, he pulls out, busts his nut all over the girls face, rolls her up in the comforter and pushes her off the bed. This gives her the appearance of a cannoli with the "cream" on her face and the comforter acting as the cannoli shell.

Well, that really brings a disturbing image to my mind.  However, it hasn’t deterred me from wanting another cannolo.  In fact, I kind of want one right now.  The dessert, not the bedroom pastry.  The dessert is much cheaper and probably doesn’t call you an asshole.  On second thought, the dirty version of cannoli isn’t so bad.  It also brought a smile to my face.  Ultimately, though, I will have to settle for whichever one is easier to get tomorrow night.

I live in Green Bay, Wisconsin, so my guess is that it is a toss-up.

Seriously, though.  That thing was really fucking good.  I thought about going in there tonight, just for that.  I decided not to on the off chance that the people running that place are familiar with the slang term for their delicious treat.  A single man, coming in alone, and ordering just a desert may be coming off as a little bit of a creeper.  And what the hell do I do on the off chance that they also run a secret prostitution ring that specializing in dessert themed sex maneuvers?  I bet you didn’t think about that.  The world is a place full of tough choices like this.

Betty White is an Iron Woman

The Dark Knight was a rare example of a sequel being better than the film that preceded it.  I suppose you can also include Spiderman 2 and X-Men 2 in that category as well.  Hell, you could argue that movies based on comic books tend to get better on the second go around.  So, it is not out of the question to have high expectations for Iron Man 2.  Director John Favreau put forth a great effort on the first go around.  All the components were there to make Iron Man 2 the superior film.  The same director was back along with the same charismatic lead actor.  On top of that, the power of the internet allowed for the absorption of feedback from the movie’s fan base.

The problem for Iron Man 2 is high expectations.  There really is nothing wrong with the movie as a whole.  It is a fantastically fun movie that I enjoyed immensely.  The expectations may have even blinded me a bit as to how well the movie really was.  Stand alone with no comparison, people would be head over heels for Iron Man 2.  Unfortunately, most people are already in love with the first movie and will be loyal to it.  That’s a shame.

Robert Downey Jr. once again oozed with charisma while Micky Rourke brought forth an understated performance as the movie’s villain, Whiplash.  Technically, there wasn’t a bad performance in the movie.  Sam Rockwell delivered as Tony Stark’s professional rival, Justin Hammer.  In fact, Rockwell more often than not, was a scene stealer, which is an accomplishment when Downey Jr is on screen with him.  The person that enjoyed the most was Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts, Tony Stark’s assistant.  I never really cared for her until the first Iron Man.  She has grown on me because she demonstrated that she can be funny.  The best parts of the movie are when she is on screen interacting with Downey Jr.

I’ll leave my assessment at that.  No need to dwell on the plot and break down all the nuances.  Just trust me when I say Iron Man 2 is worth your time.  Also, please trust me when I say it is ridiculous to compare the movie directly to The Dark Knight.  There is no question that The Dark Knight was an Oscar quality film.  It is one of my all time favorites.  However, it is a completely different kind of movie when you compare it to the Iron Man films.  The only thing the movies have in common is that they were based on comic books.  That isn’t stopping people from comparing the movies.  I think it is ridiculous because it is like comparing apples to oranges.  The movies have vastly different tones.  Sure, both have plenty of action, but the down time between the action differs.  The Dark Knight was moody and dark whereas Iron Man 2 is light and comedic.  So I ask all of the naysayers to think twice when trying to compare the quality of these two sequels. 

That’s all I have on Iron Man 2.

Did anyone catch Saturday Night Live last night?  You know, the one with Betty White.  The most watched SNL of the year.  The one that everyone had been waiting for.  As it turned out, the wait was well worth it.  There is no question that Betty White delivered with her appearance on SNL. 

Inititally there was some concern that her appearance would be downplayed because a half dozen or so former cast members were going to be on the show as well.  As it turns out, White was in every sketch.  I had expected them to give her a couple breaks since she is 88 and was up way past her bed time.  Nope.  My assumption is that she didn’t want it that way.  And that was fucking awesome. 

The lesson last night on SNL was that there is no substitution for old fashioned comedic delivery.  Betty White is a funny person, so she can make even the poorly written bits at least somewhat funny just by delivering the lines.   If you haven’t seen it, you should catch it on Hulu.  You should especially like the reference to the “Wizard of Ass”.

This afternoon I took in The Descent Part 2 on DVD.  The Red Box machine had it, so I figured it was worth a buck.  Very few movies aren’t worth a dollar.  I loved the original Descent.  It was one of the few movies I can recall making me legitimately jump since I was a kid.  Hell, it even gave me a nightmare the night after I first saw it.  It is a creep fest.  The sequel was unnecessary, but since the movie was cheap to make, they went ahead and did it.

The Descent Part 2 was not bad.  It wasn’t anything earth shattering either.  They did a couple of cool bits that kept the story and kills a little fresh.    If you are bored on a rainy day, this one wouldn’t be your worst option.

Brewers swept the Diamondbacks this weekend.  Good for them.  They scored quite a few runs while doing so, as well.  The pitching seemed very solid as well.  Narveson was a force in the 5.1 innings he completed today.  The kid is getting strike-outs, which is fine as long as he keeps the run totals down.  6-1 win, so I can’t complain.

The Packers will be sending out notices as to what games that Brown County lottery winners will be going to.   I paid immediately, so I would think that there is a damn good chance that a regular season game will be awarded to me.  I have four tickets to the game, whichever it may be.  One is already going to Nate Dizzle.  I may sell the other two if for some reason I get awarded tickets to the Vikings game.  That would be epic.  Nate hates Favre with a passion, so it would be a fun experience for him to go to his first Packers game with Favre on the opposite team.

There are my weekend rants.  Sorry for the lack of excitement.

Me and TV last night

I don’t know how many of you watch my favorite television series, “Lost”, but I feel compelled to talk about it anyway. Not because I want to enlighten you or convince you to follow the show, but more or less because I had a strong emotional reaction to last night’s episode. Yes, a television show made me have an emotional reaction. I hope that isn’t a problem for you.

I am going to try my best to describe this without throwing out any spoilers. Can that be done? We are about to find out. As anyone with a television knows, it is the final season of “Lost”. More specifically, we are embarking on the final few episodes. It is been a six year journey about a plane that crashed on a mysterious island with ominous inhabitants and mystical events. There were just over a dozen main characters in the pilot episode. Some of them have been killed off and then replaced with newly introduced characters that may or may not have been killed off as well. The thing “Lost” did with these characters was develop them from day one. In fact, character development was the strength of “Lost” for its first few seasons. Getting attached to those characters allowed for viewers to hope they all got happy endings.

As of last night, a few of those characters were officially denied their happy ending. In case you weren’t picking up on the subtlety, I was referring to some people dying. Death wasn’t anything that wasn’t done to characters on “Lost” before. Someone basically died every season at some point. The difference was the emotional impact of those other deaths. Most of the show’s previous kill jobs were done to advance and set up the overall story arc. They were on characters we didn’t yet learn to love. Last night, however, pulled the rug out from under “Lost’s” fans.

I’m not going to lie. I nearly shed a tear last night. This final season of “Lost” created a lot of questions that I wanted answers. There were motivations I needed explained and battle lines that needed to be made clear. The discovery of the show’s true bad guy came with an emotional kick to the balls. It took the death of a few characters to hammer the point home that we now have an official big bad to root against. It all was made clear in the closing moments. That was right when I got a rush through my body as I felt pissed off right along with the castaways of Oceanic Flight 815. I spent years being more concerned about creating theories about the island’s mysteries rather than having someone to truly hate. Not the case anymore. I can now spend the next few weeks hoping someone gets their ass kicked. And to me, that’s pretty fucking awesome.

Last night’s television viewing also included the latest episode of “Glee”. That show really is phenomenal. It is unlike any other comedy on television right now. I would like to say it is the best comedy right now, but that isn’t an easy thing to say. There is some tough competition in the form of “Parks and Recreation” and “Modern Family”. All three of those shows are putting out quality every week. One thing I do know for certain is that “Glee” will win at least one Emmy. The category of this award is simple: Best Actress in a Comedy Series.

Jane Lynch’s performance as the diabolical cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester is the best thing about “Glee”. Some credit should go to the writing of the character’s sharp lines and dastardly behavior. All the other credit goes to Lynch. She slam dunks her performance each and every week. Her character basically is her. It couldn’t be played by anyone else. That is how much she has owned her performance all season long. The great thing about it is that she has gotten a few moments to show the softer side of Sue Sylvester. The nuances she portrays allow for Sue Sylvester to be more than a caricature. Oh, and it should be noted that she’s pretty fucking funny as well.

The annoying thing about watching the shows last night was that they kept being interrupted by storm warnings and tornado trackers. I understand the need for safety, but it really surprises me that, in this day and age, we don’t have a better way to relay the information. I missed several minutes of “Lost” because of storms that were nowhere near my home. Then, “Glee” was delayed by almost 2 hours because Fox 11 decided to start it late. I think they should just refer people to the internet or scroll info across the bottom of the page. People who can’t read can be on their own. It would be a twisted form of Darwin at work…

Random musings...

I tried the supposedly "new and improve" Domino's Pizza tonight. I was expecting some fantastically noticeable change. Instead I got the impression that they just made the sauce a littler zestier. Yes, it tasted better than the last Domino's pizza I had eaten, but it didn't knock my socks off. I'd give it another shot. Maybe I can act unimpressed enough that they put me in a commercial. Eh. Or Not.

This afternoon I went to the movies since I had the day off. I wasn't working because I saved a couple days for a long weekend, so that I could get over the fact that I didn't go to Vegas this year. *sigh* The movie of my choosing was "Kick Ass". I don't feel like giving a full review, but I can say that I enjoyed it.

The interesting thing is that I was the only one in the theater for today's matinee. That was simply awesome. It was like having a private screening all to myself. That doesn't ever happen. Gotta love Green Bay for not being into movies based on little known comic books. Well, that or the unemployment rate here isn't as high as I thought.

The Brewers lost again tonight. They were shut out AGAIN! What the hell? How can they unleash the fury one week and then struggle to score a damn run the next week? The pitching hasn't been all that bad on this dive into run scoring oblivion. It would appear that when the offense is stinking, the defense steps up. It works the opposite way as well. Ken Macha needs to get his team on the same page. That or he needs to get his coaches in line.