Just Cut(ler) it out. He isn't THAT bad...

Have any of you noticed how there seems to be some real hate for a young fellow named Jay Cutler?  You might have heard of him.  He’s the starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears.  No, not him.   Not him either.  I know it’s hard to keep track of all the Bears quarterbacks since there have been 42 of them since Brett Favre started his first game.  However, I am referring to the most recent guy.  Yep, the one with the pouty face.  NOW you know who I am talking about.  This guy.

He doesn’t look too happy in this picture, does he?   I wonder why that is.  It is probably because his blood sugar was low or something like that.  Now, I don’t exactly understand the disdain people have for Cutler.  I’ve never really picked up on a blatant reason to hate the guy.  Sure he throws an interception or two, but so did the guy us Packers fans followed for 16 years.  We got over it.  Poor Cutler might just need to hang in there for a while.  Maybe if he wins some games, he’ll win some people over.

And it isn’t even just Packers fans who hate on the guy.  The people of Denver were happy to see him traded to the Bears.  News outlets in Wisconsin were quoting Bears fans wishing they had Rodgers as their guy.  Hell, the internet is littered with all kinds of memes making fun of the poor dude.  It apparently is really easy to do so.  If I had photoshop skills, I might get in on this.  Instead, I’ll just let a bunch of other people do it for me.

I found some real winners in the Facebook event named “National F**k the Bears Week!”.  The site is littered with them.   So, with that, let me share the ones that really warmed my cold heart a bit.

This one is probably my favorite since I especially loved “Inception”.  Incredibly creative.

This one is great because it plays on the LOLZ Cats memes and shows some pouting.

I love a good motivational poster mock up.  

This one brings up something I never noticed about Jay Cutler, but gosh damn, they are right!

This one is just plain offensive.  I don’t agree with it whatsoever.  I am curious if it is a photo shop job or a legit jersey someone runs around wearing on game day.  I doubt it’s a Packers fan wearing this shit.  They wouldn’t waste their money on a Bears jersey.  This has to be a disgruntled Bears fan.  Come on, people, it isn’t so bad for you.  Your team made it to a Super Bowl with Sexy Rexy.

This one isn’t even a mock up.  Someone just found an embarrassing photo.   Simplicity is sometimes the most effective.

Some of the photo skills are a little rough, but they make up for it with a good joke.

This one is just plain clever.

Now as I said, I don’t get the Cutler hate.  Other than his supposed poutiness, he isn’t that bad of a quarterback.  He’ll probably even start more than two consecutive seasons for the Bears.  That would be a feat.   However, I am not naive.   I know that a few solid seasons won’t save Jay Cutler from ridicule from the Packers nation.  We make a pass time out of knocking on the Bears’ quarterback.  We’ve been doing it since Jim McMahon was there.  In actuality, longevity at the QB position makes you fodder for Packers fans.  Just ask Jim Harbaugh, Erik Kramer, and Rex Grossman.

Grossman was actually fun to make fun of.  His erractic game play essentially spoke for itself, so the jokes he endured weren’t as funny as his numbers.  Speaking of numbers, let’s go over the astounding number from before:  42.   That is the number of starting quarterbacks the Bears have had since the beginning of the modern Packers era (we’ll call it that from now on rather than pointing out that it is when Favre started his first game).  For shits and giggles, lets look at the list of field generals from the past 19 years (Source:  http://www.bearshistory.com/)

1992: Jim Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer
1993: Harbaugh, Willis
1994: Erik Kramer, Steve Walsh
1995: Kramer 1996: Kramer, Dave Kreig
1997: Kramer, Rick Mirer
1998: Kramer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno
1999: Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller
2000: McNown, Matthews, Miller
2001: Miller, Matthews
2002: Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris
2003: Kordell Stewart, Chandler, Rex Grossman
2004: Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson
2005: Kyle Orton, Grossman
2006: Grossman
2007: Grossman, Brian Griese, Orton
2008: Orton, Grossman

2009: Jay Cutler

2010: Cutler, Todd Collins

And yes, I do realize that they are counting guys being shuffled around as an additional start.   Either way, that shit ain’t good.  They probably should have kept Orton.  People didn’t seem to hate him that much.  Hell, they seemed to respect the man’s neck beard.

Maybe that isn’t the best picture of the guy, but I still respect the neck beard.  It takes a big man to pull it off.  In all fairness, Orton had a decent season on a really bad team.  Over 3,600 yards, 20 TDs, and only 9 INTs.  Those numbers are enough to win for a quarterback.   They were just as good, if not better than Cutler (3,274 yards, 26 TDs, 16 INTs).  Kyle Orton still got the good end of that trade.  Even if he is getting pushed out of his job so that the Chosen One can start.  He’ll find a new home and still won’t have to face the ridicule that Cutler will face if he doesn’t win on Sunday.

Now, as I said, I don’t totally get the hate on Jay Cutler.  He is much better than some of the riff raff on that list a few paragraphs back.  Shane Matthews anyone?  Jim Miller?  Chad Hutchinson?   Bears fans should be glad that the guy stays healthy.  Granted he may be inconsistent, I would still take him over most of those other guys.  I respect the fact that he even made it to the NFL when he hadn’t ever played in a bowl game during his time at Vanderbilt.  Hell, this is the first year he has been in the postseason since high school.  The man has something going for him if he is now starting in the NFC Championship game.

Some of the hate is probably jealousy because Cutler is banging Kristin Cavallari from that show I don’t know the name of and would never watch.  That has to count for something, right?  Maybe he has emo hair, but at least he trims it, unlike Mr. Brady in New England.  In fact, he isn’t even the least likable quarterback left in the playoffs.  When has Jay Cutler forced sex on a woman in a bathroom guarded by goons?  Probably never.  

Win or lose, Bears fans, at least your quarterback isn’t an accused rapist.  And that is something to be proud of.

There's no other way,,,

Just over three weeks ago within the walls of Lambeau Field there was a growing rumble of words becoming clearer every second.   There were a few minutes left in the game versus the Giants, but the crowd was already looking forward.  The Packer nation had spoken.

“The Bears Still Suck”

We wanted another shot at those opportunistic sons of bitches.  They stole a division title that should have been ours.  Instead a few mistakes and some ill-timed injuries practically gifted the Bears with the NFC North crown.  The essential idea was that Bears didn’t so much win the division, but the Packers just lost it.

Two weeks ago was an intense release of frustrations.  The Packers needed a win to get in and they just happened to be playing the team that stole what was rightfully theirs.   Lovie Smith had his starters playing the whole time in a game that meant nothing to his team.  However, we would soon learn why he tried everything in his power to win that game.  There is no way in hell that he wanted to play these Green Bay Packers. 

The Packers were now a different team than they were in September.   They were no longer disjointed and undisciplined.   They had overcome the rash of injuries.  This team was now a force to be reckoned with.   These Green Bay Packers were dangerous.  That game in week 17 was not meaningless for the Bears after all.  If they wanted to make it to the Super Bowl, they had to stop the Packers from being on the other side of the bracket.

Only the Packers weren’t going to have any of that nonsense.  The defense shut the Bears down while the offense scored in the clutch.  All they had to do was get in the playoffs.  Once that happened, the regular season didn’t matter.  The playoffs is where the question of “who is better” is sorted out.

This Sunday we will get our answer once and for all.   The rightful winner of the division will be crowned.  The best in the NFC will be known.  The oldest rivalry in professional football would write its most epic chapter yet.  There is no better way to settle this feud than to play in the NFC championship game.

The truth is that the Bears don’t actually suck.  They were good enough to get the job done this season.   They were good enough to get a win over the Pack.  They were good enough to earn a first round bye.   They are not to be taken lightly, but that isn’t anything I would worry about with this Packers team.

By the end of the game third quarter this week, most Packers fans were looking towards the next game.   The same reaction overcame majority of the cheese-head nation.   Sure, we would love to knock around the Seahawks, but that wasn’t going to satisfy our need to prove a point.   We wanted them one more time.  We WANTED the Bears.  We would not be satisfied if it was any other team.  I can’t think of any other way this season could become any more storied.

Bring on the history…

Bring on the rivalry…

Bring on the feud….

Bring on the Bears…. 

Is it Sunday yet?

Destiny is calling...

The expectations were high.  A city, a state, and a nation of followers all had the same goal in mind.   Reaching this pinnacle of excellence was not going to be a surprise.  It was what was meant to be.

Are they meant to achieve the ultimate goal?   Are they merely pretenders?   Were the expectations too lofty?  In less than a week, destiny will show its hand.   On the shore of Lake Michigan, there will be an epic showdown like never before seen.  The outcome has yet to be determined, but one thing is for certain:  It was meant to be.

Two men will finally shake off criticism they may never have deserved.  Validation may be 60 minutes away.

Another may be rewarded for more than a decade of devotion. 

A folk hero can write another chapter.

A field general is on the verge of finally taking his place as the proper heir to the throne.

Under the direction of a defensive virtuoso

A hungry cub will stalk his prey,

While a hungry monster waits to claim his next soul.

A snubbed warrior can send a message to the naysayers.

A season of missed opportunities and close calls can be atoned for. 

Fallen brothers will be avenged.

Disappointment will be replaced by pride.

One obstacle remains to be overcome before anything truly becomes history

A step by step process comes down to one task…

It's time to go bear hunting.

and the beat goes on for the Packers...

The Green Bay Packers won another game today.   If they hadn’t, they wouldn’t be playing next week.  The playoffs are obviously a win or go home scenario, which is one that scares the crap out of me when it comes to this team.  My beloved Packers are a two-headed animal.  One head is like a beautiful mermaid.  The other looks like Susan Boyle.  You get the team that looks like a well oiled machine or you get the one that played against the Lions late in the season.  You never know which head wears the helmet from week to week.

Fortunately, this weekend’s wildcard game against the Eagles was played by the pretty head of the monster.   The Packers held the lead as soon as they got it.   They were firing on all cylinders in the first half.  They looked utterly unstoppable on offense and defense.  Michael Vick was on a leash (pun totally intended).  Then the second half came around and the fuggle head put on the helmet from time to time.   The offense couldn’t sustain a drive like we needed them to.  However, the defense decided they weren’t going allow another disappointing nail-biting defeat.   The Pack moves on because the defense once again bent a little, but did not break.

That is the story of this 2010 Packers team.  They may bend a little, but they do not break.  This is especially true of the defense.   They may let a team get down the field, but they eventually put a stop to most drives and force a punt, field goal, or turnover.  Twice this came up today when the Pack forced the Eagles to kick field goals after they looked hot.  What happened?  Akers missed them.  This adds to my ever growing confidence in that defense.  We are at a point where I am actually excited to have them go out there.   I anticipate big plays being made.  Matthews is almost always in the mix.  Raji could bust through that line at any moment.   Woodson is always within reason of getting a defensive touchdown.  The Packers defense makes as many plays as the offense these days.  This is something Green Bay hasn’t had since the mid 90s.  A defense like this is built for a championship run.

Aaron Rodgers played as good as he could have given the play calls and dropped passes.  The running game found a spark with James Starks.  They ate up a lot of time which was beneficial because that meant Vick wasn’t out there chucking the ball downfield to DeSean Jackson.  The most important accomplishment by the offense was that they didn’t make any huge mistakes.  They didn’t force anything that wasn’t there.  That was something that happened from time to time during the regular season.  Tonight they went with what was given to them.  It happened to be the running game for the most part.  They also made sure to get the ball to whoever was open.  Rodgers did more checking down than usual.  The ball was spread out and everyone had a chance.  That’s how Tom Crabtree scored that touchdown in the first half.  He was the best option and Rodgers got him the ball.

Rodgers will benefit from being in the dome next week.  He can electrify the air by throwing it everywhere.  The last time he was in Atlanta he completed a career defining 90 yard drive with a Jordy Nelson bullet touchdown pass on 4^th down.   It was the most clutch he has ever been.  The Packers would have won that game if it wasn’t for poor special teams play and a shit brained facemask penalty.   I expect Rodge to pick up where he left off.  Now only if the defense can stop Tony Gonzalez.

Speaking of the defense let me make one last point before I call it a night.  Tramon Williams.   He is the defensive player of the year for this team.  He might not be the flashy choice like Clay Matthews or Chuck Woodson, but he deserves the credit.   Tramon was snubbed from the Pro Bowl.  He had a better year than Woodson did.   The reason many people didn’t notice was because we didn’t hear his name mentioned a lot.  Williams didn’t get burned as much as Woodson did this year.  There may have been other guys in the NFL with more interceptions, but that isn’t any indication of Williams’ effectiveness.  It is hard to get interceptions when they aren’t throwing the ball your way because you have their guy covered.  With Tramon being that damn awesome, it allows Woodson to roam around every once in a while.  That usually leads to good things.   For that, Tramon Williams, you are my pick for Packers’ defensive MVP.  

The most stressful thing ever....

Life is full of stressful situations.  The kind of shit that makes you tense up, breath faster, and sweat like a hog.  The worst of the worst has your heart racing like a runaway train.  Your mind wants to focus, but you can’t.   Suddenly, your limbs seem to get heavier.  When it is real bad, you feel as if you are moving in slow motion.  Regardless of how things are going, you seem to feel like all hope is lost.  You’d like more than nothing to just relax.

                I’ve been in all sorts of these situations.  Job interviews or funerals are one type that just wreak havoc on the nerves.  I’ve sat through long dental procedures and felt as claustrophobic as one can get.  I’ve laughed off an emergency appendectomy because for some reason it really didn’t have me worried when I was told they were going to open me up.  There are the work related moments where I’ve been worried about a layoff or just spent the better part of my day being verbally accosted by complete strangers.  All that is enough to induce a panic attack.  However, I am here to tell you that those scenarios were a cake walk compared to the one activity I deem the most stressful I have ever encountered.

                What in the world could I be talking about?   There can’t be anything more stressful than a funeral, can there?  What fantastic activity could make Nick Wallander so stressed that he wants to blog about it?  I’ll tell you what that activity is.  It’s BINGO.   Yep.  The card and number based game of chance.  The one we all played back in grade school for one.  The same BINGO that millions of elderly ladies play every single night.  BINGO, my friends, is enough to give someone a coronary.

                Yes, I am serious.  The game of BINGO is nothing but a haven for anxiety and stress.  Now, I am not talking about BINGO in a church basement.  I am sure that shit has its share of stress, but it is nothing compared to official BINGO sessions at a major casino.  Have you ever been to one?  If so, you know exactly what I am talking about.  You could walk into a BINGO hall and cut the tension with a knife.  Seriously, you may be able to cut through the air with a knife because I have never seen such a cloud of smoke from cigarettes.

                The main reason BINGO is so stressful is because there are hundreds of people and generally there is only one winner.  Many of these people have anywhere from $15 to $200+ dollars on the line.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being put into any situation where my odds of being the winner are slim to none.  Hell, I know that the odds are astronomical, but I still play.   Now imagine how stressful it is for someone who truly believes they will win every game they play.

                Making it even more stressful is that people take BINGO way too seriously.  You’ll see all the regulars there with their little leather carrying cases for the paint dobbers.  Yep, there is a commercial market for dobber carrying cases.   These are the same people who line up trolls and buy several packs of BINGO cards while simultaneously playing some games on an electronic system.  BINGO is a big event for these people.  They take it more seriously than their jobs.  That is probably because it is the job of many of these people.  I wager that a large sum of money from unemployment checks go towards BINGO admission.

                Now, I don’t know if BINGO is as stressful for the regular attendees as it is for me.   Perhaps they are used to the suspense and drama of it all.  What I do know is that they are some mean bitches out there.  They will look at you with a stink eye if you so much as even think about breaking some time honored unwritten BINGO rule.   (I am not sure what these rules are, but am certain that they exist).   These people will scold you just for whispering across the table to your friend.  Nobody talks during these games.  It is quieter than a courtroom or a funeral in there.  That only makes things worse because any slight noise gets people nervous that someone is squirming to yell “BINGO”.

                I honestly believe that I could be murdered at a BINGO hall.  The people there would turn on me in an instant.  That fear for safety gets the heart pumping with adrenaline.    They are an eclectic breed of humanity.  Most of them mutter under their breath between every number.  Some line up their dobbers to be used in a specific order.  Others will not blink for two hours and still manage to mark their cards.  They are so focused on the game that a parade of midgets could pass by them and they wouldn’t even notice.  However, they would notice if they thought you were about the win.

                On Saturday night I felt violated a few times with all the eye fucking that was being done by complete strangers.  Some of it was done because the crew and I were way too young to be at BINGO.  The older folks don’t want us there because they feel we are quicker on the draw with calling BINGO.  They are probably right, but it is no reason to hate.  Then there are the white trash people who are there because they actually need the money.  Probably for booze, cigarettes, and to finish the tattoos of their abusive father’s name. 

There was a nice white trash young woman, in her early 20s sitting on our table on Saturday night.   She was equipped with her own dobber case and a pack of cigarettes.  She had a raspy voice from all the smoking she had been doing as well as several bombastic tattoos on her arm.  She wouldn’t have caught my attention except for her “tourette’s” fits when numbers were called.  There was that and the fact that she was noticeably pregnant.  Probably six or seven months along.  On top of the smoking, she was also guzzling down a bunch of caffeinated beverages.   But hey, who am I to judge?   This girl just wanted to buy nice things for her baby.  Or new Pumas for her baby daddy.

I was afraid of this girl.  It was apparent that she may have once stabbed a person just because they asked her for the time.  We built up the courage to borrow her pen.  Then she gave us firm and commanding instructions about the third game, which we did not ask about.  With every number called, I was already nervous, but it was five times worse because I felt like this pregnant bitch was going to lunge over the table at me.

We played about twelve games of BINGO on Saturday night.   Every single one of them was the most stressful experience of my life.  Each number called had my heart racing.  I probably could have died at any moment. 

And yes, I loved every moment of it.

Pull up your pants, zombies are coming... and not in that way. That's gross you even thought of it like that!

                Thanks to the wonder of television I was recently able to ponder one of the important questions in like.  “Just what the hell am I going to do if there is a zombie apocalypse?”  This is an important issue as far as I am concerned.  A man needs a plan.  There are so many variables to think about.  And let’s be honest, folks.  It sure is a bit fun and amusing to think about such a crazy concept.

                First and foremost, I think that all the previous depictions of zombie outbreaks over exaggerate the population of zombies.  Why would I believe such a thing?   Well, the movies go and assume that the zombies will bite people who then turn into zombies who then turn more people into zombies.  What they always fail to realize is that those mother fuckers are hungry.  Zombies aren’t going to just stop after one bite and then move on to the next victim.  They are going to keep on chewing on their latest catch.  So, while they are pouncing on their fresh meat, some people will be able to get away.  My point is that their goal isn’t to bite and infect everything in sight.  They want to eat everything in sight.  Therefore, their numbers aren’t going to be as massive as one might expect.

                Yes, I am saying that I don’t think it will be that bad.   However, I am not saying that the zombie apocalypse would be easy.  One is going to have to be so fucking careful.  It doesn’t need to be said how easy one could put themselves in danger.  I’ve thought long and hard about all the things I would do to survive.  It is hard to figure out where I would begin to start.

                First of all, there is no way I am traveling in a large group of people.  That would be like driving a bacon truck through a fat camp.  They’d smell us a mile away.  Small groups are quieter.   They are harder to see.  Bigger groups are just that much more of a liability.  However, at the same time, I would not want to be alone during all of the madness.  One shouldn’t be going anywhere without someone having their back. 

                Having other people around will be great for one particular reason:  rest.   I couldn’t help but assume that it would be nearly impossible to get any sleep on my own.   Not only is it not very safe, but the anxiety alone might just kill me.  Who wants to worry about being devoured while they sleep?   Having at least one other person means that you can sleep in shifts.  Someone can keep guard.

                Another key detail I have sorted out is merely a matter of preparation.  I already know who I am getting on the phone with as soon as shit goes down.  That is, of course, if I am in Green Bay at the time of the outbreak.  I know someone who will have an arsenal to defend us against the zombies.  I sure as hell don’t have a damn thing that will do me any good.  You might think I would at least have a baseball bat, but nope.  All I have is this short and thick stick that I keep on hand in the event of a bear attack (another story in itself).  Someone with a few guns will come in handy.

                Now many people are immediately going to hop in their car to get out of dodge.  Bad idea.  Traffic will congest and once things get ugly, there will be road blocks eventually.  The best method of travel may be a motorcycle or ATV.   Better gas mileage and they can maneuver in smaller spaces.  An ATV would be able to go off road in a hurry.  The zombie won’t be able to keep up.

                A misconception about zombie survival is that you must get in a head shot to stop a zombie.  Granted, they work, they aren’t the only way to keep a zombie from attacking you.  A gun only has so many bullets, so the average survivalist would need another way to slow zombies down.  A good old fashioned crow bar or baseball bat could do the trick.  Zombies with broken limbs can’t really come at you or even crawl at you.  A shot to the knee with a bat is effective.  Otherwise loan sharks would use something else.  So, along with my guns I would keep a durable aluminum baseball bat.   It would also come in hand if any apocalyptic disputes would need to be settled in a sandlot. 

                An error that I see in most zombie movies is that people tend to flock to stores and malls when they need supplies.  That is an utterly stupid idea.  It has been established that zombies aren’t entirely stupid.  Somehow they can recall the gathering places for living people.  That is why they ransacked that mall in Dawn of the Dead.  They just know that people will be there.  If not there, then a grocery store.  Sure those places have plenty of food for you, but it would be the riskiest meal you ever found.  I wouldn’t want to risk there being any zombie puke all over my Hot Pockets.  If I were to go to a store it would be in a small town.  Everyone knows zombie zero in on the big cities.

                So, where would I get my supplies?  I would just steal them from empty houses.  It would be much easier to verify that a random house is secure and safe.  Jump in, check the cabinets, and get out of dodge.  Clothing and weapons would be readily available as well.  Hell, they would probably even be places to sleep at that point.  Zombies don’t hang out in houses because there are stairs and a lot of doors.  Much more complicated than a mall or public place.   They would also wander right by you without seeing a damn thing.   I’d sure as fuck barricade myself in though.

                There is a lot more I could ramble on about, but I won’t.   Many of you probably need to get back to work or maybe you just need to finish masturbating.  I don’t care either way.  You read this much, so you are okay with me.  Actually, I do care a bit if you were masturbating while reading a blog about the zombie apocalypse.  That means you are kind of a sick fuck.  Unless of course you can justify by saying that you are getting in all the masturbation you can now because when the zombies attack there won’t be time for that shit.  In that case, pound away.  I understand entirely.  Even if you did want to violate yourself after a zombie outbreak, you would be out of luck since the internet would eventually be down.  However, that doesn’t mean all communication would be down.  All sorts of government agencies have secret telegraphs hidden.  Those would still work.  Rotary phones would most likely work as well.  The only problem is that they would be loud as hell.  You’d want to get it on the first ring.

                I think my point in all this nonsense was to be a little optimistic for a change.  Life could be so much worse than it is right now.  Most of the world could be dead and/or the walking dead.  I could be holed up in a farmhouse somewhere in Pennsylvania.  The power grid could be destroyed.  There could be a world without baristas to bring me my pumpkin spice latte!  Basically, as bad as it is now, there could always be zombies to fuck it up even more.  And hell, even if there were zombies, there would be a silver lining.  At least I wouldn’t have to go to work, right?