Saturday, April 4, 2009

Yeah, I will be watching Wrestlemania, deal with it

I feel like a god damned Nyquil commercial. Hell, that or I could go out and audition for one. I have the sneezing, the congestion, the runny nose, and the occasional headache to go with it. I downed the required dosage and allowed myself to sleep in this morning. Yeah, sure didn't do the trick. I guess I will have to give it a go again tonight. Is it feed a fever, starve a cold? Or the other way around? Regardless, I think I need to drink more fluids. They obviously will help more than all the various medicines I have been taking.

Needless to say, I hate being sick. But then again, who doesn't? It would be a better use of my time and energy if I had a real medical condition rather than some bullshit cold. If I am going to be sick, it better be something legit and worth “get well' cards and all that. Like having my tonsils removed. It is too bad I already lost my appendix, because that would also be a better use of my time that this passive aggressive cold.

I need to get reasonably better before tomorrow night. You see, Sunday night is Wrestlemania 25. It has become a tradition to watch this yearly event and this year will keep up with that tradition for the most part. The family is coming over to watch it with me. We'll have a buffet of heart attack food as well as some sno cones. I think.

Anyway, this brings me to the part where I get to make my predictions on a show that is predetermined. Ha. It is silly, isn't it? But hell, it is no fun if I don't believe anything could happen. Let's not waste any more time here. Predictions are forthcoming.

Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat

The stipulations for this one state that Jericho must pin or force submission on all three of his opponents. Only only of them has to pin or force submission upon him to get the win. Add to this the fact that Ric Flair will be in the corner of the three legends and it does not look good for Jericho numerically. However, Jericho had a killer 2008 and single handedly made RAW worth watching going into Wrestlemania. For that alone, I do not see him losing this one. The legends can save face with a post match embarrassment of Jericho. Oh, also, Micky Rourke is rumored to be on hand. Money says that he takes a shot at Jericho. WINNER: Chris Jericho

25 Diva Battle Royal

So, 25 woman from the current WWE and ones from the past will all be involved in this battle royal to be crowned Miss Wrestlemania. Well, since there are only 3 or 4 women on the current roster that can wrestle, I am going to assume that the Divas from the past will do some damage. Expect to see Victoria, Molly Holly, and Trish Stratus here. Any one of them winning this thing is fine with me. I am also fine with Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, or Melina winning. There is a lot of talk that Santino Marella will get involved and try to win. I see him sticking his nose in. He will drop his guard and me eliminated by the WINNER: Mae Young. Yep, she is older than dirt, but Vince loves the woman and is not above honoring her like this.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match (featuring Shelton Benjamin, CM Punk, Mark Henry, Kane, Christian, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Finlay)

The stipulations of this match is that there is a briefcase above the ring that contains a contract that will allow the owner of the case to have a title shot against any champion. The catch is that they must climb a 10 foot ladder to get to it. Anything goes and only one man can win. They've got two big guys in there who won't do much climbing (Kane/Henry). There is a man who has to be in his 50s by now (Finlay) and I don't see him doing much jumping around. He has done well in the past with these matches, but I wouldn't consider him a threat. Punk won last year so he is out. That leaves Christian, Kofi, Shelton, and MVP. I'll get to them in a minute. Now, first let me tell you how I would do this. If I were booking the match, I would make the winner the least obvious and have the big monster Mark Henry somehow manage to climb to the top to get his shot. However, I am not, but I wanted to share that idea anyway. If it happens, I look like a genius.

Of the remaining four on that list, Kofi Kingston has the least chance. He is still practically a rookie. He'll get a chance to look good however. MVP lost his chance for a main event spot. That leaves Shelton and Christian. Shelton now has experience under his belt and he can go in the ring when motivated. In the previous 4 MITB matches, he was the one who did the crazy spots. He may get rewarded for that. Then there is Christian, who Vince McMahon apparently doesn't like, but he hired him back so that TNA couldn't have him. Christian busted his balls for Vince during his original WWE run. If he wins, then he could move right on to a potential feud with anyone after Mania since he could easily turn if need be. This my WINNER: Christian.

Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker

WWE is making it way too obvious that Taker is winning and maintaining his Wrestlemania streak. Hell, he hasn't gotten in one bit of offense on Shawn Michaels in the last several weeks. On top of that, they keep touting that Taker has never beaten Shawn one on one. To me, that is telegraphing an ending. My heart says that Shawn gets to win in order to pull the wool over our eyes. MY gut and brain tells me that the WINNNER is : The Undertaker.

That WILL be the best match of the night, btw.

Tag Team Unification Match: Carlito and Primo Colon vs. Miz and Morrison (Lumberjack style)

This was an attempt to get everyone involved in the show. It will be mid show filler. However, my understanding is that these four can put on great matches. That's good enough for me. It is great to see the tag titles on the line at Wrestlemania for the first time in what seems like ages. I doubt anything significant will happen since everyone is out there. I am waiting on Morrison to turn on Miz, but it can't happen during a lumberjack match. However, this match is the perfect setup moment for the eventual turn. This I see The Colon Brothers as the WINNERS. It'll set up a rift between Miz and Morrison.

Matt vs. Jeff, the Hardy Extreme Rules Match

This feud is long from over. If Jeff wins, then the upcoming matches will be anti-climactic. Matt has been great as of late and he hasn't had drug or attendance problems. The 'E' will probably award him for keeping his brother out of jail and the detox tank. I expect this one to be the potential show stopper. There will be plenty of spots and action. It will probably out-do the MITB match, and will intentionally be that way since I expect the MITB to be scaled down so this one can shine. I expect something cold hearted and dastardly by Matt and thus he will be the WINNER.

JBL vs. Rey Mysterio for the Intercontinental Championship

Unless my research is bad, this is the first IC title match at Wrestlemania since X8 (18). Yep. Seven years. It is a dirty shame that they have shit on a once prestigious title. To make matters worse, I heavily dislike Rey Mysterio and wish that J BL would retired again. Lucky for us, one of those two could be less of a problem for me since there is an open announcing spot on Friday nights. WINNER; Rey Mysterio

World Heavyweight Championship (RAW title): Big Show vs. John Cena vs. Edge (champ)

Only one of these three has consistent wrestling ability. The other two are either too large (Show) or being made to be larger than any wants him to be (Cena). I get it. John Cena is the wonder child. They want him to be the next Hulk Hogan. News flash, this isn't 1987 anymore. People expect more from their wrestling stars than a little showmanship. John Cena is mostly attitude with little ability. That won't cut it. His act has gotten stale and he seems more worried about movies than wrestling. So, fuck him. He can lick some sweaty balls. Probably the Big Show's. I just can't see The Show winning this one. No chance in hell of it. Cena winning gives the kids something to scream about in excitement. He makes me want to hate children. It is not fair to them. Edge is the one I want to win, but I am not entirely confident in pulling the trigger on him as my winner. So, I have to get used to hating children. Winner: John Cena.

I hope you are happy, Mr. Cena. I will be disliking the world's children because they all seem to bow before them as their hero. How dare you misguide them! Shame on you! Lay down and lose already!

WWE Championship (Smackdown's Title): Triple H (champ) vs. Randy Orton

Orton has been on fire since well before the Royal Rumble. He deserves a legitimate title run in the near future. If it comes on Sunday night is up for debate. There was a time where Orton could have fell by the wayside and never been heard from in the main event again. He overcame that with tenacity and improved microphone work. The writers gave him a solid storyline and his own stable to get him over. It has been working like a charm. I love Triple H and know that he is capable of bringing it on any given night. He makes people look great in the ring. He will probably do so for Mr. Orton, although he won't need to put in as much effort as he would if it were Cena (cuz he sucks and all). Triple H doesn't need this win. He'll still sell t-shirts and action figures. Randy Orton's entire futures hinges upon him walking out of Wrestlemania as a star. That will be difficult if all that hard work is flushed down the booking toilet. The Age of Orton does arrive upon Randy's win. It dies upon his loss. I anticipate that his goons, Dibiase and Rhodes, will be removed from ringside, making it a one on one match until the McMahon family comes down to give the match a look. They will wait for the perfect moment and then one of them will strike with a furious vengeance. It will be merciless and and justified in the eyes of the offender. The three count will then be made with Randy Orton as the WINNER. Yep, you heard it here. I am on the train that sees a McMahon turn in this one. Probably by Vince. Remember when he was nearly killed with the falling set pieces? Sure you do. Many have forgotten, but it needs to be resolved. My guess is that Vince is placing blame on Steph, Shane, and Hunter, who all would gain a whole lot with Vince's demise.

Think about it.

Let's recap:

Jericho over the Legends with Rourke/Flair post match
Mae Young becomes Miss Wrestlemania
Christian wins Money in the Bank
Taker defeats Michaels and goes 17-0
Carlito and Primo defeat Miz and Morrison for the unified tag titles
Matt defeats Jeff in extreme rules
Mysterio defeats JBL for the IC title
Cena defeats Show and Edge for the World Heavyweight Title
Randy Orton defeats Triple H for the WWE Title with Vince's help

There you have it. Go ahead and post your predictions. I welcome some debate on my thoughts.

I am going to go drink some NyQuil and call it a night.

I love that giant Q

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