Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pull up your pants, zombies are coming... and not in that way. That's gross you even thought of it like that!

                Thanks to the wonder of television I was recently able to ponder one of the important questions in like.  “Just what the hell am I going to do if there is a zombie apocalypse?”  This is an important issue as far as I am concerned.  A man needs a plan.  There are so many variables to think about.  And let’s be honest, folks.  It sure is a bit fun and amusing to think about such a crazy concept.
                First and foremost, I think that all the previous depictions of zombie outbreaks over exaggerate the population of zombies.  Why would I believe such a thing?   Well, the movies go and assume that the zombies will bite people who then turn into zombies who then turn more people into zombies.  What they always fail to realize is that those mother fuckers are hungry.  Zombies aren’t going to just stop after one bite and then move on to the next victim.  They are going to keep on chewing on their latest catch.  So, while they are pouncing on their fresh meat, some people will be able to get away.  My point is that their goal isn’t to bite and infect everything in sight.  They want to eat everything in sight.  Therefore, their numbers aren’t going to be as massive as one might expect.
                Yes, I am saying that I don’t think it will be that bad.   However, I am not saying that the zombie apocalypse would be easy.  One is going to have to be so fucking careful.  It doesn’t need to be said how easy one could put themselves in danger.  I’ve thought long and hard about all the things I would do to survive.  It is hard to figure out where I would begin to start.
                First of all, there is no way I am traveling in a large group of people.  That would be like driving a bacon truck through a fat camp.  They’d smell us a mile away.  Small groups are quieter.   They are harder to see.  Bigger groups are just that much more of a liability.  However, at the same time, I would not want to be alone during all of the madness.  One shouldn’t be going anywhere without someone having their back. 
                Having other people around will be great for one particular reason:  rest.   I couldn’t help but assume that it would be nearly impossible to get any sleep on my own.   Not only is it not very safe, but the anxiety alone might just kill me.  Who wants to worry about being devoured while they sleep?   Having at least one other person means that you can sleep in shifts.  Someone can keep guard.
                Another key detail I have sorted out is merely a matter of preparation.  I already know who I am getting on the phone with as soon as shit goes down.  That is, of course, if I am in Green Bay at the time of the outbreak.  I know someone who will have an arsenal to defend us against the zombies.  I sure as hell don’t have a damn thing that will do me any good.  You might think I would at least have a baseball bat, but nope.  All I have is this short and thick stick that I keep on hand in the event of a bear attack (another story in itself).  Someone with a few guns will come in handy.
                Now many people are immediately going to hop in their car to get out of dodge.  Bad idea.  Traffic will congest and once things get ugly, there will be road blocks eventually.  The best method of travel may be a motorcycle or ATV.   Better gas mileage and they can maneuver in smaller spaces.  An ATV would be able to go off road in a hurry.  The zombie won’t be able to keep up.
                A misconception about zombie survival is that you must get in a head shot to stop a zombie.  Granted, they work, they aren’t the only way to keep a zombie from attacking you.  A gun only has so many bullets, so the average survivalist would need another way to slow zombies down.  A good old fashioned crow bar or baseball bat could do the trick.  Zombies with broken limbs can’t really come at you or even crawl at you.  A shot to the knee with a bat is effective.  Otherwise loan sharks would use something else.  So, along with my guns I would keep a durable aluminum baseball bat.   It would also come in hand if any apocalyptic disputes would need to be settled in a sandlot. 
                An error that I see in most zombie movies is that people tend to flock to stores and malls when they need supplies.  That is an utterly stupid idea.  It has been established that zombies aren’t entirely stupid.  Somehow they can recall the gathering places for living people.  That is why they ransacked that mall in Dawn of the Dead.  They just know that people will be there.  If not there, then a grocery store.  Sure those places have plenty of food for you, but it would be the riskiest meal you ever found.  I wouldn’t want to risk there being any zombie puke all over my Hot Pockets.  If I were to go to a store it would be in a small town.  Everyone knows zombie zero in on the big cities.
                So, where would I get my supplies?  I would just steal them from empty houses.  It would be much easier to verify that a random house is secure and safe.  Jump in, check the cabinets, and get out of dodge.  Clothing and weapons would be readily available as well.  Hell, they would probably even be places to sleep at that point.  Zombies don’t hang out in houses because there are stairs and a lot of doors.  Much more complicated than a mall or public place.   They would also wander right by you without seeing a damn thing.   I’d sure as fuck barricade myself in though.
                There is a lot more I could ramble on about, but I won’t.   Many of you probably need to get back to work or maybe you just need to finish masturbating.  I don’t care either way.  You read this much, so you are okay with me.  Actually, I do care a bit if you were masturbating while reading a blog about the zombie apocalypse.  That means you are kind of a sick fuck.  Unless of course you can justify by saying that you are getting in all the masturbation you can now because when the zombies attack there won’t be time for that shit.  In that case, pound away.  I understand entirely.  Even if you did want to violate yourself after a zombie outbreak, you would be out of luck since the internet would eventually be down.  However, that doesn’t mean all communication would be down.  All sorts of government agencies have secret telegraphs hidden.  Those would still work.  Rotary phones would most likely work as well.  The only problem is that they would be loud as hell.  You’d want to get it on the first ring.
                I think my point in all this nonsense was to be a little optimistic for a change.  Life could be so much worse than it is right now.  Most of the world could be dead and/or the walking dead.  I could be holed up in a farmhouse somewhere in Pennsylvania.  The power grid could be destroyed.  There could be a world without baristas to bring me my pumpkin spice latte!  Basically, as bad as it is now, there could always be zombies to fuck it up even more.  And hell, even if there were zombies, there would be a silver lining.  At least I wouldn’t have to go to work, right?

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