Have you been keeping tabs on all the Tiger Woods drama this week? I hope you said no. It would be a shame if you let that creep’s life absorb too much of your free time that you could use to look at funny videos online or clipping coupons. Tiger is no different than the millions of other philanderers out there, the only difference is that he is famous and he got caught. The problem is that America put his ass up on a pedestal and worships him as if he was the personification of godlike qualities. Nope. That was a fucking mistake, now wasn’t it? It turns out Tiger is quite human. So much so that his human parts did a lot of dangling if you know what I mean.
To be honest, I am not even sure what in the hell went down with Tiger this week. His name keeps popping up all over the place. All I really do know is that he returned to play some golf. Whoopdy do. That is what the man does. He plays golf. When he joins the cast of “Jersey Shore” or takes a flight into space, give me a call because then I will be genuinely interested. Really though, what was the big deal this week? Did some other hussy come out and say he nailed her? That really wouldn’t be news at this point. It would be like reporting that someone was arrested for drunk driving in Manitowoc, WI. We don’t call that news, we call it a Saturday night. Tiger returned to work. Big deal. People do that all the time after they take a leave. However, most people can’t afford to take a leave from their job because they were fucking anything with a warm hole. The media needs to let this one take a rest, especially when they have that Jesse James story to beat to death.
Isn’t that one a shocker? Okay, so it isn’t. Jesse James is another rich guy who could have his way with his choice of women. Of course he was going to take a jab at a few women on the side. That is like giving a kid the keys to a chocolate factory and telling him that he shouldn’t sample any of the product. You damn well know that you’d come back in two hours to find chocolate smeared over the kid’s face like Augustus Gloop. The point is that Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock was probably not the world’s best kept secret, nor was it all that shocking. The thing about it was that the story lay dormant and unimportant until his wife won that gold statue. That’s when shit got interesting enough to beat like a dead horse.
I want to believe that Sandra Bullock had no clue about her husband’s misdeeds. She very well might not have since her speech at the Oscars seemed so damn genuine and full of love. I don’t doubt that it was genuine. If she was clueless, then everything she says rings true. If she had an inkling of an idea, well then you could argue that her Oscar speech about how she loved Jesse James was nothing more than a public plea for him to stop his bullshit. She doesn’t seem like a dumb person, so I am wagering to bet that she knew a lot about the misdeeds. Regardless, it is a shame. She had become America’s new sweetheart since she won the award by playing a character who wasn’t a murderer or deviant. Who would expect that she would be married to a Nazi loving sex fiend? I guess you can never tell with people anymore. Anything truly is possible.
Tiger Woods was probably breathing a sigh of relief that the Jesse James story came out just in time to distract from her return. Unfortunately for him, America is totally okay with devoting time to more than one sex scandal at a time. On the flip side it is fortunate for Tiger that he is getting portrayed as some sort of hero making a triumphant return. You would swear that the man was returning from a career threatening injury. Then again, Elin very well may have ripped his dick off with her bare hands. That might put a guy out of commission for a while.
The one other side story about Tiger that I actually read about dealt with the security being added to the golf tournament because there was an assumption that one of the mistresses was going to make a scene. Do any of them really have a right to make a scene? What did he do to them other than maybe a filthy sex act that would make most hookers blush? They weren’t the one he cheated on. It was no secret that who the man was. They knew he was married. They knew there was a family waiting for him back home. Any one of those mistresses that thought they were in for a significant long term relationship is as delusional as a Cubs fan thinking about a World Series win this year. Go ahead an make your scene, skanks. Nobody will be impressed or sympathetic. Everyone will see it for what it is: an attempt to extend their 15 minutes to a half hour.
I do see the irony in the past 900 or so words I wrote. I understand that I contradict myself by talking about something I think shouldn’t even be talked about. It is the point though. Sometimes I like to be ironic when making a statement. Sometimes you have to use a hypocritical method to get your point across since it is the only way people will bother to hear you. So, let’s forget about Tiger. Let’s forget about the dozens of women he slammed like a car door. We can even forget about Jesse James and the tattooed freak he was porking on the side. I also think we should forget about his supposed sexcapades wearing Nazi clothing and dirty Sanchezing a girl Hitler style. In fact, that I wish I could have my brain bleached for knowing that is even a remote possibility of being an actual occurrence. Let’s put this all past us and get interested in the real issues out there…. Like Lindsay Lohan and Misha Barton partying together.